sgatazmy: Rodney covered in bleeding bandages. Drawing. Has wings. (McKay)
Have you seen the meme with fanfiction that says something like: Sometimes you just want a hundred PB&Js?  This is in reference to always reading the same trope or seeking out one specific thing over and over in fanfic.  

See, sometimes I want humor.  Sometimes I want gen.  Only gen (or gen masquerading as pre slash).  Sometimes I want feelings realization and only feelings realization.

Apparently, lately, I only want poor emotionally tortured Rodney trying to cope with all the fallout from his actions.  I want lots and lots and lots of it.  If it references gating Elizabeth, all the better.  Replicator code? Yes, please. It needs some h/c with it, and friends that stand by him no matter what and help him see the good in him.  I LOVE THIS SO MUCH YOU ALL. I can't even tell you.

So I wrote this a lot. I also got my wonderful friend Mas_Pebbles_Sharp to write a story for me about it for Fandom Trumps Hate. It has everything I love, plus sea monster and Rodney imprisoned for months and whump! So go check it out:

Sentenced by Mas_Pebbles_Sharp.
Description: Pain. Mind-bending, nerve-screaming, something is terribly, terribly wrong pain. Was he dying? Rodney thought this time maybe there was no going back because surely you could not experience this much agony unless you were going to die? And surely the sense of profound loss and hopelessness he couldn’t put memories to made death the best of all options? He didn’t just give in to the darkness, he ran after it, only too willing to escape his agony.

Note: McShep, McKay/Sheppard/Ronon, definitely read the tags.
.......

And then there are all the stories I've written or podfic'd lately in this vein.  The latest of which is pretty much exactly the same PB&J sandwich I always eat, just dressed a little different to give it some flavor. This time the flavor comes in the form of self-destructive behaviors that have been slowly escalating. The story starts after it's gone too far when Rodney agrees to a punishment ritual off-world after a village blames him for recent deaths. 

I had to write this one when I woke up and I clearly heard Carson telling Rodney, "I'm sorry, son, Colonel Sheppard has advised we put you on a 48-hour hold pending a mental health evaluation."  

And after that was in my head, how could I not write it?????  Like, what would happen that John would take such a drastic step?

Blame Thy Foolish Self by Tazmy.   

This one is established McShep with nothing more than some handholding and a sentence or two saying they are together. 

sgatazmy: angry chibi rodney square (Default)
The thing about hospital stays is they make for great whump research. My stay was extended just a bit longer than expected but I’ve been home a few days with time to reflect.

(1) I remember a lot more than i expected to and I’m in a good deal less pain than I expected to be.

(2) one day I’m going to tell an anesthesiologist how sensitive i am to anesthesia and maybe they will listen?  In this case, I woke up in recovery to all the nurses looking extremely concerned. I was exhausted and not at all concerned because they are good at their jobs.  only every person who walked by said “You need to get a handle on her Bp and my nurse would answer over and over “Yes, I already ordered bloodwork” or “I’ve been calling anesthesia”.  Then he’d turn to me and over and over repeat “Don’t worry, we just need to get your bp up.”. I eventually said “You keep saying that and now I’m starting to worry. What does it mean it’s so low?” and he’d never answer just say “Nothing to worry about we just need to get it up.”

Apparently I woke up and it was at 70s/40s and at some point made it to 80s/50s. Then the nurses kept all asking about my blood work over and over and why it wasn’t in yet. Finally they realized it had been ordered wrong and they called the lab and there was a huge collective sigh of relief.  “What was that about?” I asked.

”Oh, you’re not bleeding internally after all. “  Huh. Good to know?  Some IV meds arrived and made it up to 90s/high 50s so I finally got to leave recovery after 3 hours.  (I should have been there 1). Of course they don’t let anyone with you in recovery so I got to spend 3 hours with panicked nurses and no one I knew to sit by me.

(2) I was cheery and doing well for a while.  My default when loopy is to say “you are all so awesome. I appreciate you.” over and over.

(3) then I started deteriorating. Not cheery. Not able to eat. Completely out of it. O2 at 87. I would answer questions I thought loudly but they only heard mumbling no matter how loud I started to talk. They decided not to send me home as planned and throughout day I became more out of it. i felt dizzy, nauseated, freezing cold and shivering, covered in sweat, insisted on blankets  and a heating pad.  The nurses became frustrated with my mumbling and I became frustrated they couldn’t tell I was talking loudly and clearly. They checked my temp over and over again, but always no fever but they said i felt warm, clammy and looked feverish. They started wiping my brow with a cold cloth and it felt like heaven on Earth.

I told them I felt itchy and they managed to understand that.

”How long have you been itchy?”

”I don’t know”

”Where are you itchy?”

” I don’t know.”

”You’re not being very clear. We need to understand what is happening?”


My o2 kept fluctuating so they left me on oxygen, literally turning off the O2 monitor because they were tired of the alarm.

Finally they said they thought I was having a reaction to the oxycodon so they were taking me off it.  3 hours later I was back to being cheery and myself.  Only now, the doc had ordered no more iv meds and no ibuprofen and the only med left to me was tylenol. That sucked and made for a  rough night before they finally got some alternatives.

(4) I finally went home next day. I seem to be doing fairly well. Lots of dizzy spells and a mixture in the appetite area.  I am told I had a lot of work done, even more than was talked about. I’m exhausted but somehow still have insomnia. They even had to give me an ambien  the first night in hospital.

I guess now so just need to write whump like this.


(5) Coughing is awful.  Post abdominal surgery, they told me to brace on a pillow when I needed to cough but I had to cough and let it all out of my lungs.  It hurts so much and this right here is whump gold.  When you cough, stuff comes up.  When you cough, the stitches all hurt.  it’s agony. I go from 0 pain to a 6-7, just hurting for a good hour after coughing.

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